Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
