I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize