I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
