Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
