what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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