I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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