I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
