I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
