Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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