from now on my penis is your penis
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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