Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize