My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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