Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
