just tell him i said nine months
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
