You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
