Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
did i just pee glitter
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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