literally had 100 drinks last night.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
