I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
