I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize