I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
