If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
