I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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