They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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