so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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