i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
