found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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