Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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