My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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