So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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