I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
