idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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