i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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