im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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