I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
