i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
