I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Mom said you looked used
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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