I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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