Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
