I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
