Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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