I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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