ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
