Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
