Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
