We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
