we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
