I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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