We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
