Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Drake has all the answers
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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