Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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