my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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