Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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