Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
