Apparently you make a good broom.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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