I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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