I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
