At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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